"Fighting is a child's right,' says Daniele Novara.
Children quarrel with each other for various reasons: they want the same game, the same role, the same attention, or simply out of jealousy. However, just as they quarrel, children also know how to make peace.
Arguments between children are physiological. Fighting is a natural mechanism, it has in itself useful functions for children's growth and social-emotional development, and it can be a unique and special training ground in which they can train a range of skills and abilities that they cannot bring to bear elsewhere.
In particular, through peer-to-peer fighting, children can:
- learn how to be in relationships;
- encounter limits;
- gradually learn how to deal positively and effectively with disagreements;
- make mistakes and understand how to put them right;
- learn empathy;
- learning to manage one's own strengths, energies and to measure those of others;
- tolerating helplessness and frustration;
- knowing oneself, distinguishing oneself from others, building one's own identity.
Here, then, conflict, quarrelling, becomes a valuable training ground in life to learn what Daniele Novara calls 'conflict competence', i.e. the ability to manage disagreements in a healthy, assertive, self-respectful and respectful way, without using violence.
And what can we parents do to help and support our children?
- do not show fear or agitation, do not intervene immediately... wait to avoid giving them the idea that the quarrel is a 'serious' event and that they are 'wrong', resulting in feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Moreover, seeing an overly heated reaction, children understand that quarrelling is an effective way to get attention and this may lead them to 'use' the quarrel as a way to be seen;
- get close to the squabblers, but avoid instant intervention (unless there really is a real danger, which is unlikely): it is valuable to be able to observe the conflict dynamic between the children, to see if they can cope and resolve the issue themselves... give them time and tolerate that there may be shouting and crying. Fighting is not traumatic, crying is not traumatic. It would be worse to descend into deductions and perhaps wrongly define who is 'the perpetrator' or who is 'the victim'.
When you decide to intervene, dear parents, remember that in order for children to acquire the 'conflict competence' that Novara speaks of, we adults must not play the referee, establishing wrongs and reasons and looking for the guilty party, but rather take on the role of mediator, of facilitator, so that children learn to talk to each other and understand each other's point of view and needs, and then seek their own solutions, which we must respect.
So, in practice, to mediate conflicts we can:
- ask the children, directly, what is happening so as to encourage their verbalisation, the telling of what happened by those directly involved and the explication of what everyone is experiencing, according to their own point of view;
- after each of the children has expressed his or her version and needs, we can guide them by trying to make them reflect, asking them, for example, "how could you solve the situation? Try to think about it, I am sure you can come up with a solution', encouraging them to come up with proposals and possible solutions. If the children agree among themselves, we must respect their decision (even if it does not seem fair or equitable to us);
- try to ask open-ended questions that are therefore not 'driven by us adults'. Instead of asking "Did you feel attacked?" we might ask "How did you feel?"; instead of "Who started it?" we try asking "What do you think happened?"...
- in the case of your child arguing with another child, you could ask (even in a low voice if preferred) the parent(s) of the other children involved to do the same with a "Let's try to see how they behave and how they handle the situation".
Daniele Novara suggests setting up an ad hoc corner, with a small table and a couple of chairs, where the children can sit and talk to each other. Having a corner set aside for this can support the children in the process of acquiring conflict competence and making them understand that all this (yes, even fighting) is part of their growth and is accepted by us and we want to support them.
What if a child tends to 'give in' and 'not defend himself'?
It is common among parents to worry that their child is 'weak' or 'getting bullied' and may become a victim of bullying in the future. In most cases, however, contrary to what it may appear, children who 'give in' their game to another have a more advanced socio-emotional development and thanks to this they empathically understand that the other is in trouble and thus favour him, finding different solutions for themselves.
Of course, it also happens that children give up their objects because of a real difficulty in defending their possession... it must then be we parents who sharpen our observation to distinguish the two situations and not assume that there is only one reading, and a 'negative' one at that.
And remember a fundamental aspect, dear parents ... we adults must set a good example among adults and also with our child (which is worth a thousand words!): in finding solutions, apologising if heard, asking the other how he or she is and thanking