With some help from dictionaries we have found a quite comprehensible and complete definition of the word "emotion", which is none other than a "psycho-physical reaction (which involves both the body and the mind), pleasant or unpleasant, to external events and interiors”.
There are two types of emotions:
- primary emotions are an automatic and instinctive response to external stimuli and are expressed by everyone in the same way. They are innate and universal; specifically they are: joy, sadness, anger, fear, disgust, surprise, trust, expectation;
- secondary emotions instead originate from the combination of primary emotions, and develop with growth and social interaction. They are complex and social, such as guilt, envy, shame.
We want to emphasize that there is not such a thing as "good" and "bad/wrong" emotions. All emotions are important (yes, even anger!), to know how to live and be able to deal with it!
We can try reading our children some books about emotions, naming them and giving advice on how to best experience them... from when they were just born. Surely, many children won't exactly understand everything we say, but it's also good schooling for us as parents to talk about this subject.
We may help our children to understand, with a few clear words, that we give space to their emotions and respect them; we give these emotions a name and associate behavioral manifestations with them (e.g. "Look how happy you are...you have a beautiful smile on your lips and you don't stop laughing" or "You look angry...you keep growling and banging"). Over time, children will learn to "label" their emotions, to know how to manage them. We can help our children to do so, giving strategies (e.g. "I see you are sad, in fact you are crying ... do you want to sit down and tell me what happened to you?").
When they are 4 or 5 years old, children show an increase in the ability to reflect on emotions. Emotions play a strong role in the success of peer relationships: emotions help us read what is happening to us, they are our first window on the world. The ability to recognize our emotions, to experience them consciously, allows us to understand not only what is happening within us, but also what is happening around us.
How to teach to recognize emotions?
Dear parents, books can help you: you can show your child images of faces (or you can create images in a mirror) or read texts and reflect together on what characters of books may feel. In this indirect way, you can help him and teach him to identify in others the same emotions he may have experienced by himself and also be able to talk about possible problematic situations (involving your child directly). ( → see dedicated bibliography) Rather like it happens to us as adults who instead of talking about ourselves say "It happened to a friend of mine"... attention shifts from us to someone else (in this case a character of a story), without having everyone's eyes on us.
How to help children express emotions?
- tuning into your child's emotions allows you to enter into a relationship with him, offering security and understanding. Start a sentence with “I know you feel sad, angry, disappointed,….” helps the child feel empathy towards him. It also sends the message that it can be talked about and helps him develop his emotional intelligence;
- don't belittle the experienced moment: phrases like "Don't cry, you're a grown up" or "Are you really angry about this? That’s silly"... This makes the child feel insecure. Crying is everyone's right, regardless of gender and age! We are not weak because we cry, it is just one of the thousand manifestations of certain emotions such as anger, happiness, sadness…
- don't give a time: "If you don't stop crying within two minutes..." sometimes even we adults can't find the switch to "terminate" certain emotions!
- if in the midst of an emotional "crisis", try to calm down your child first, then you will talk to him. He would be too distracted and overloaded by what he is experiencing, he would not hear what you want to tell him, even if it is to calm him down. Once calmed down, relive what happened with him, trying to understand the trigger, what he felt, the consequences of his actions and how to better manage in the future.
What does emotional intelligence mean?
Emotional intelligence is defined as an individual's ability to recognize, distinguish, label, and manage his own and others' emotions.
How to help children develop emotional intelligence
- listen with empathy (put yourself in the child's shoes);
- be aware of the child's emotions;
- talk about it with him: you can take a cue from reading a book suitable for the purpose;
- teach the child to name emotions, to identify them and "to look them in the face";
- look for a solution without distracting him from the negative emotions he is feeling.
What if my child can't deal with his emotions?
For some people, both children and adults, it is not easy to face and manage their emotions: these people experience discomfort in dealing with their emotional, affective and relational dimension and show emotional inhibition (i.e. they refuse to listen to their emotions and stopping to manage them) or excessive restlessness. In this case psychology detects a relational emotional disorder.
Children or adolescents with relational emotional disorders often have low self-esteem, adopt oppositional and rejecting attitudes, feel helpless and often experience school anxiety or performance anxiety and anger. Sometimes they also experience psychosomatic symptoms, such as nausea and stomach pain, headaches and sleep disturbances.
Although it is never easy for a parent to face a moment of difficulty for their child, we strongly advise you to contact your pediatrician and together evaluate any therapy or psychological support, in the primary good of your child.