Since the first months of life, your child has experienced separation from his mother, understanding that there is a difference between his body and hers as two separate entities.
At about 3 years of age, the child has acquired the knowledge that the mother is "present" even if physically she is not there and from this internal representation he draws comfort and support which are useful to him in moments of detachment from his parents.
To support the delicate moment of detachment, what can parents do?
- prepare this moment in time: do not wait for the need to face the sudden detachment but rather precede it with small episodes of estrangement between parents and child (for example by including the presence of another person (family or otherwise known and trusted) who is with the child first together with you as parents and then alone with him, initially for short periods of time which gradually lengthen);
- prepare the child with phrases such as "You know that tomorrow morning, your aunt will take you to kindergarten ... how nice you can show her where your room is" and the next day "Do you remember that today your aunt is coming to take you to kindergarten?”. Another scenario: "Today you go to kindergarten, play, have fun, eat and then I'll come get you" and then "You saw. As I told you, you had lunch and I came to collect you”. By preparing him for the change or what to expect, he will be less likely to experience rejection and related anxiety;
- prepare it with games (e.g. hide and seek) where things or people seem to disappear, but instead are just not visible to us, saying phrases like "You saw, you haven't seen me for a while but you know that I always come back to you";
- support your child's experience with some chosen reading;
- be ready to listen to him and support him if anxious or worried, in moments of anguish or loneliness... after all, even we adults can be scared or worried about new and unknown events;
- try to avoid phrases like "Don't cry, you’re not a baby anymore" because they make him feel even more inappropriate and not understood in his moment of sadness (Above all, everyone has the right to cry or express any type of feelings despite age and gender!); rather try to show your empathy and suggest to him what is beautiful and new he can experience, with the certainty that you will be there at the time of reunion;
- be serene in the moment of detachment, understanding but firm.
In these moments, in which your child could experience moments of worry and fear of losing his mother, there could be momentary phases of regression (for example, he may want to sleep in your bed, or ask for a dummy again or go back to peeing himself) as an attempt to return to the world of childhood in which his mother was always with him. All of this is absolutely normal, and we advise you to provide your child with availability and tenderness but also firmness and above all consistency.
As we have already said, your child will face this moment better if he sees that the parents are also serene at the time of the separation, without showing hesitation or yielding that fuel your child's insecurities, as if the anxieties that the child feels were well founded.